Dating is not something I wanted to get into.  After 15 years, all the methods have changed, and it seemed like the rules of civility were the first to go.  Meeting for coffee is a date.  Seriously?  I have to get myself over to a date, nobody is picking me up?  Barbaric.

Since I don’t live in my own country anymore, the dating culture is even more unfamiliar.

Start with the language barrier, add the antique patriarchal system, the outlook on a women’s role in the word, the views of what a divorcee is “really” looking for, plus my general hostility towards the male species at this point of my life, and you have a recipe for tons of fun.

Since social media is now my life, I decided to jump in with my friend the Internet. The world of online dating.

My first attempt steered me in the wrong direction.  An online dating site, with pages of questions upon sign-up, and a crappy website.  I signed myself up, posted my photo, and waited.

It seemed harmless, men started looking at my profile, I looked back.  Then one sent me a message.  Eewww, I didn’t want to talk to him, but I’m American, and a polite idiot, so I tried to respond.

This is when I discovered how the site actually worked.  Signing up and creating a profile is free.  Looking at other profiles is free.  Sending someone a “wink” is free.  Communicating with each other?  Starts at $20 a month.  Shocking reality #1.

So, no autopsy, no foul, I figured most of the people on the site would never pay, as neither would I, which meant nobody could ever really contact me.  When you look at someone’s profile, it notifies them.

Big deal, they would never find me, I was in the safe zone! Why not see what this was all about? I started cruising through the site.

At first, I didn’t pay attention to the profiles.  There was more than enough entertainment in the photos.  One guy not looking at the camera, wife-beater t-shirt, belly hanging out over his pants – on full display, a cigarette half hanging out of his mouth, and he was looking down at his phone.

This is it?  That was the best he could do?  He actually got up, got dressed looked in the mirror and told himself, yes, I look hot today; I’ll have someone take my photo.

I was distracted for a while.  Endless horrible photos, with the occasional professional photo scanned out of a picture frame.  Most in need of good fashion advice.  But then one of the introductions caught my eye.

“I am looking for girl for sexual relationships
I am a boy, and wanna having good sexual relationships with girls. I like girls and I am ready to make love minimum twice per everyday.
Looking For: What can i say?”

Wow, what a sacrificing guy, he’s pledging a minimum.  Then another:

“I need woumen who can help me get viza in USA and tell cost .ralation after.  I would prefer bussineslaik relationchip for 1 or 2 years. I,m sorri for my englich. Butifull from all angls”

Well, might as well lay all the cards out on the table.  I’m sure he’ll be inundated with responses.  P.S.  its called Google Translate, my friend.

“I’d like to meat a woman of 36-42 years old, sexual and handsome for friendly and sexual relationship. She must be emancipated,clever and without any psycological complexes.”

Jackpot, I realized that I had reached nirvana; the kings of the idiot world were trying to communicate.

“I WILL WRITE THIS LATER.I WILL WRITE THIS LATER.I WILL WRITE THIS LATER.I WILL WRITE THIS LATER.I WILL WRITE THIS LATER.I WILL WRITE THIS LATER.
Looking For: I WILL WRITE THIS LATER.I “

Ok, I’ll admit, I really wanted to talk to this guy.  He was either socially stifled or a comic genius.

The photos coupled with the profiles and the introductions were an insane mix of lunacy and stalker. I went from entertained, to toying with the idea of opening a business to help the male population clean themselves up.

“beautiful smart tall nise sexi no jeil time”

I’m not entirely sure if this was a description of himself, or what he was looking for in a woman.  As my friend said, “are you kidding?” How can I be all this, but have served no “jeil time”?! I guess ex-convicts would not be all that popular, on either side of the fence.

As entertaining as this was, I got tired of cyber-flicking their profiles; they were just making it too easy.  I abandoned the site all together, as the temptation to hunt them down and give fashion advice and re-write their profiles was overwhelming, and I had no way of contacting them.

However, if any of them happens to read this blog, here is some advice for your profile photo:

• Posing with a woman is out. Yes, this does include your Mom. (Insert eye-roll here)
• Texting is not new nor an impressive skill to highlight.
• Holding weapons towards the camera makes us uncomfortable.

I leave you with these words of wisdom from tgr2014: “man looking for honest relation chip.”

Yes my friend, an honest relation chip is what we all strive for.

The adventure continues……