When you’re self-employed, you have the privilege of assigning yourself just about any title you want.  Founder, President, CEO…

But truly, so boring.

My personal favorite was futurologist, until I found out it’ a real thing. Well, not a real thing, real thing, but still something that has nothing to do with a crystal ball.

But in addition to the standards, I’ve also seen “Influential” “Top” “Super” “Ultimate” listed as a title qualifier. Now we’re talking.  People showing a little creativity!

But why stop there? We’re all self-employed in our own life stories, why shouldn’t we have titles for everyday?

And in our own time as mortals, we carry out numerous tasks at different times, so I think multiple titles are in order.

  • Countess of Commute – for taking public transportation or a taxi
  • Grand Pooba of Procurement – for shopping
  • Fat Cat of Curtsy – for mingling with important people
  • Duchess of Dilettante  – for interacting with neighbors
  • Head Honcho Hobo – for travelling to far-away places.
  • Cardinal Puppet Master  – for organizing social events (and the calendar’s of friends)
  • Illustrious Imagineer – for daydreaming about grand schemes
  • Bon Vivant – actually, I’ve got nothing, I just like to say this with a snotty accent.

In case you’re wondering, I’ve already check on LinkedIn, no such options exist for life titles.  Foolish move, people need validation.

And for the petty people I encounter, (we’ve all got them in our realm) I’m happy to pre-assign titles:

  • Admiral AssHat – For the ones that think they’re always right
  • Blabby Blabberian – For the gossipy ones that can’t keep a secret for more than 10 seconds (credit for the title creation goes to Tamara Karakashian!)
  • This also spawned Crabby Crabberian – For those who are never happy with anything, and Flabby Flabberian – use at your own risk
  • King Killjoy – For the ones who rain on everyone’s parade
  • Chatty Chairman – For the ones that just won’t let you walk. a. way
  • Riffraff Rider – For the ones who ride the bus and stare down anyone that tries to sit next to them
  • Prince Pinocchio – For the worthless one that lies and lies and lies and lies…


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