Sometimes my friends come to me seeking inspiration, wisdom, and guidance.  It’s a mystery as to why they do.

However, over the years I think I’ve done well, and dispensed some insightful advice.  So I’ve decided to share them with the world.

These are my original quotes, but I’ve cleaned up some of the language.  Ok, more than some, use your imagination:

• They won’t let you take a bathroom break?!?  Pee in a bottle.  And keep it on your desk. With a label on the bottle. That says PEE
• If you want to get a job recruiter’s attention, put “xoxo” as your cover letter closing signature.  They will NEVER forget you
• If people are bothering you, play the crazy card.  Ask them if they’ve seen your cat, and tell them they better give her back because she has rabies. Problem solved. They’ll run.  Scream, “here kitty, kitty, kitty” as they flee. Print off a picture of an ugly cat from the Internet. Keep waving it around
• Take all the ugly clothes your in-laws have given you, and turn them all into throw pillows for the couch.  Then every time they come over, put out another pillow to see if they notice.
• 3% chance the deal will fall through?  That’s nothing to think about, there’s probably a 7% chance you’ll fart while signing the contract.  Worry about that.
• Here’s my advice on turning 40.  Don’t give a damn.  Last year you turned 39, this year you turned 40, next year you turn 41.  It’s just a number.  Instead of thinking, “Crap! 40 years have passed”, tell yourself, “Crap! I’ve had 40 years of awesome, what’s next?” The only time you really need to reflect on your age is when you turn 21.  Cause now you can drink and gamble.  And 100, because then you get to say, “suck it bitches, I’m 100”.
• You don’t want to go to the event?  So what if you won’t know anyone.  Use a fake accent and walk around and introduce yourself to people you don’t know.  Texan is good.  Say you’re a Futurologist.  Boring event? Problem solved.