Moving into a new living space always comes with challenges. New neighbors, environment, routines. And in Yerevan, I always seem to find new creatures that disrupt my peaceful existence.
Not the neighbors, that’s my job to annoy them. No, I’m talking about my friends in the bug world.
It’s amazing how such tiny creatures can cause large amounts of chaos. It’s reported that bugs cause over 650,000 car accidents a year. And I read a recent story about a person that burned down their house trying to get rid of a spider.
While I have used the burn and smolder technique to get rid of scorpions, it’s not a practice I would recommend for spiders. I’m pretty sure I can’t grab a moving spider with chopsticks.
So, what to do.
Expecting that all bugs will leave the planet isn’t very realistic, technically, this is their home too.
And some of them do serve a higher purpose. Shout out to the bees for the honey. Goooo bees.
I decided to be pro-active this time to avoid any future unpleasantness. Also, I can’t figure out how to put lighter fluid in my super extended length lighter, which equals no lighting anyone on fire for now.
Hence, a summit was called in my humble abode; and the result of several hours of negotiation produced the following:
At the conclusion of the recently convened Insect Human summit, organized in part by the Association for Insect Human Peace (AIHP); the participants issued the following statement:
Statement Issued by Insect/Human Summit 2017
1. We, the Designated Representatives of the Insects, and the Apartment Human of Tumanyan 10, gathered for the 1st Insect and Human Summit in Yerevan on 25 May 2017 under the Chairmanship of the Apartment Human with the theme “Partnering for Peaceful Co-existence – No More Squishing or Scaring,” which envisions an integrated, peaceful, stable and resilient Tumanyan 10 Community that actively takes a leading role as a human to insect global player in advancing late night-security cooperation, sustainable blood pressure levels, and socio-cultural development in, and only in, the immediate area of the back exit to the building.
2. We engaged in productive and fruit-free deliberations reflective of our commitment to establish the enduring values of AIHP, in adherence to the purposes and principles enshrined in the Aygedzor Scorpion Declaration which launched AIHP in 2013, and to realize the six thematic priorities selected by the Apartment Human as AIHP’s main deliverables for 2017 namely: (a) A human-oriented and human-centered AIHP; (b) Peace and stability in the house; (c) Rain puddle security and cooperation; (d) Inclusive, innovation-led plant growth; (e) Establishment of a neutral zone balcony; and (f) AIHP: a model of regionalism, a global player.
3. We willingly and without coercion signed the AIHP Declaration on the Community Summer Vision 2017, with the agreed upon points:
- Human – All walking after 1:00 a.m. is confined to the hall area, except for UEFA Cup game nights.
- Insects – A 1/2 meter no-fly zone is observed around the human’s head.
- Human – Russian hairspray will only be deployed in emergency situations
- Insects – Potted plant soil is not “the baby’s” room.
- Human – Squishing will only be used if the capture and release method fails 2 consecutive attempts.
- Insects – No sudden movements.
- Human – Screaming at the lowest possible decibel level.
- Insects – Crawling on the bedroom ceiling for purposes of mocking the short human will cease.
- Human & Insects – All equally dislike the horse flies as they are assholes.
4. With regret we declare the balcony issues at an impasse, but pledge to continue negotiations, and in deference to said negotiations, human agrees to delay the purchase of any electronic pest control devices, aka “go towards the light”
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