When you’re self-employed, you have the privilege of assigning yourself just about any title you want.  Founder, President, CEO…

But truly, so boring.

My personal favorite was futurologist, until I found out it’ a real thing. Well, not a real thing, real thing, but still something that has nothing to do with a crystal ball.

But in addition to the standards, I’ve also seen “Influential” “Top” “Super” “Ultimate” listed as a title qualifier. Now we’re talking.  People showing a little creativity!

But why stop there? We’re all self-employed in our own life stories, why shouldn’t we have titles for everyday?

And in our own time as mortals, we carry out numerous tasks at different times, so I think multiple titles are in order.

  • Countess of Commute – for taking public transportation or a taxi
  • Grand Pooba of Procurement – for shopping
  • Fat Cat of Curtsy – for mingling with important people
  • Duchess of Dilettante  – for interacting with neighbors
  • Head Honcho Hobo – for travelling to far-away places.
  • Cardinal Puppet Master  – for organizing social events (and the calendar’s of friends)
  • Illustrious Imagineer – for daydreaming about grand schemes
  • Bon Vivant – actually, I’ve got nothing, I just like to say this with a snotty accent.

In case you’re wondering, I’ve already check on LinkedIn, no such options exist for life titles.  Foolish move, people need validation.

And for the petty people I encounter, (we’ve all got them in our realm) I’m happy to pre-assign titles:

  • Admiral AssHat – For the ones that think they’re always right
  • Blabby Blabberian – For the gossipy ones that can’t keep a secret for more than 10 seconds (credit for the title creation goes to Tamara Karakashian!)
  • This also spawned Crabby Crabberian – For those who are never happy with anything, and Flabby Flabberian – use at your own risk
  • King Killjoy – For the ones who rain on everyone’s parade
  • Chatty Chairman – For the ones that just won’t let you walk. a. way
  • Riffraff Rider – For the ones who ride the bus and stare down anyone that tries to sit next to them
  • Prince Pinocchio – For the worthless one that lies and lies and lies and lies…


Wise as an old owl. Or sage. It’s one of those things.

Sometimes my friends come to me seeking inspiration, wisdom, and guidance.  It’s a mystery as to why they do.

However, over the years I think I’ve done well, and dispensed some insightful advice.  So I’ve decided to share them with the world.

These are my original quotes, but I’ve cleaned up some of the language.  Ok, more than some, use your imagination:

  • They won’t let you take a bathroom break?!?  Pee in a bottle.  And keep it on your desk. With a label on the bottle. That says PEE
  • If you want to get a job recruiter’s attention, put “xoxo” as your cover letter closing signature.  They will NEVER forget you
  • If people are bothering you, play the crazy card.  Ask them if they’ve seen your cat, and tell them they better give her back because she has rabies. Problem solved. They’ll run.  Scream, “here kitty, kitty, kitty” as they flee. Print off a picture of an ugly cat from the Internet. Keep waving it around
  • Take all the ugly clothes your in-laws have given you, and turn them all into throw pillows for the couch.  Then every time they come over, put out another pillow to see if they notice.
  • 3% chance the deal will fall through?  That’s nothing to think about, there’s probably a 7% chance you’ll fart while signing the contract.  Worry about that.
  • Here’s my advice on turning 40.  Don’t give a damn.  Last year you turned 39, this year you turned 40, next year you turn 41.  It’s just a number.  Instead of thinking, “Crap! 40 years have passed”, tell yourself, “Crap! I’ve had 40 years of awesome, what’s next?” The only time you really need to reflect on your age is when you turn 21.  Cause now you can drink and gamble.  And 100, because then you get to say, “suck it bitches, I’m 100”.
  • You don’t want to go to the event?  So what if you won’t know anyone.  Use a fake accent and walk around and introduce yourself to people you don’t know.  Texan is good.  Say you’re a Futurologist.  Boring event? Problem solved.